"It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's journey will develop."
So very quickly I just wanted to give a quick update on little Addison. My doctor came and spoke to me this evening, so Chris and I could finally have some answers. She wanted to let us know that they will be doing one more growth scan on little Addi this thursday. It was mentioned that if she looks like she hasn't grown enough, then delivery will be this thursday or friday. The biggest news though finally, is that they will for sure take her next wednesday no matter what. She just wanted us to know that the slightest change at this point would put her here by this friday instead. At least now we finally got some answers, and can plan to meet our baby girl within 6-7 days now. I just cannot wait to meet this little princess of ours. She has definitely made sure that she is the center of attention, and that she wants to remain the focus. I don't know where on earth she would get that trait from :) All I know is that road has been long and exhausting, but I do know I did the right thing for my daughter. I sacraficed everything to be in this hospital for the last 3 weeks, but I can be rest assured that I bought my little angel 3 more weeks in the belly. That is so huge I can't even explain. I haven't even met her yet, and she is already making demands on me :) I love her more than anything though. I can't even begin to picture my life before without my two precious babies. You know what I'm sure I want to though, because my life with my beautiful babies and husband is better than I could have ever pictured it. Well all I will let you know the big news on thursday, until then goodnight!! To be continued........
So I had to post about this really quickly. It all started with my brother calling Devin "jack jack". He is the little baby off of The Incredibles movie. We always tease that Dev's ears poke out, but they are so adorable to me of course. Also his big eyes, and the famous mohawk on top :) So I found a picture of "jack jack" online, and wanted to post it next to a picture of Devin. I needed to have a post for a minute that was fun, and not about bed rest. So let's see what you all think: Does Devin look like "jack jack"? Leave your comment :).........
I must say this was the first valentines day that we didn't really do something together. Normally Chris and I don't do tons anyways, but we would go to dinner, or exchange nice cards. Don't get me wrong I like valentines day, but I feel like you should be treating your spouse sweet all year. It is nice to though to be reminded how much you love eachother :) So I got a little creative at the hospital, Since I'm condemned to my room I could only do so much. I took Items from my room that had to do with the hospital. I pasted them all over a poster board, and then made up a cute little poem myself :)
Chris on the other hand of course gave me a beautiful gift. He gave me a sterling silver bracelet with Devin and Addison's name engraved on top, and a a dangling charm that says love. He had been working on it for a long while, and really put a lot of thought into it. He had ended up giving it to me friday night, mainly because we thought we were delivering Addi. Chris told me he really wanted me to have it when I delivered. It was such a thoughtful gift from my sweet hubby. Thank you babe for taking so much time, and giving a really meaningful gift :) Chris ended up staying with me the night at the hospital. Chris brought me a chocolate bananna shake from iceberg, and we watched the movie "Couples Retreat". Even though our lives are chaos right now, it was really refreshing to enjoy a simple evening with my husband. It took all my stress away, even if it was just for one night. I really just love my little family, and can't wait to add Addison to the mix. She just doesn't know what she is in for. Thanks again sweetie for our valentines date at the hospital, you are the greatest :)
I just wanted to take a moment and write while I was full of emotions. We had Addison's growth scan today. The good news is that she is hanging in there, and they think they may get her to 34 weeks. The bad news is that I have to remain in the hospital until then (2 more weeks). I titled this post what I did because it is so true. My heart truly is broken right now. I wanted to take a minute to talk about Devin, and how precious HE is to me. I until now had never been away from him more than a couple of hours. I have now been away from him for 2 weeks straight. I understand I get to see him, but maybe for an hour at a time. During that time everyone is holding him and taking care of him. I don't ever really feel like I am being his mom right now. For all of you that are moms with me I know you can understand what I am saying. It is the most awful feeling to let everyone cuddle, feed, bathe, and love on your child. It's like they are playing your role while you watch. It reminds me so much of when Devin was in the NICU. I already have to deal with it again when Addi gets here, but I am getting a double wammmy right now with Devin too. My heart just hurts so bad everytime they pack him up, and say okay tell mommy bye. My eyes well up and I try so hard not to cry. I feel like somebody has taken part of me away, and I have no way to fix it right now. I can't even just step out of my room to walk down the hall. I just love my baby boy so much, and I miss him so much. Not to mention having no relationship with my husband what so ever right now. He does everything for me and is the best ever. Between my two boys my heart just aches right now with sadness. Worse part of all with the whole thing, is that I am still going to have a NICU baby on top of all of this. How much more can I handle...... I really am starting to feel like I am going into some deep depression here. Everyone is so kind too, they always ask "What can we do to cheer you up?" I wish I knew how to answer them. All I want right now is to be home, and nobody can give me that. What I miss most about being home is laying down with Chris at night, and waking up to my baby on the intercom giggling and cooing. I haven't heard that sound in so long, I miss his smile when I walk in to pick him up. I could go on and on about all the things I miss. All I know is that right now my poor heart is broken. Until next time...........
Wow!!! That is how I have to start this post. So Friday night things seemed to go bad, and quickly at that. Chris and I were visited in my room by the maternal fetal doc. All he started with was: "We are sending you to labor and delivery"....... I just knew what was coming next. He continued with: "I want to monitor her hear rate consistently, and if anything looks funny we will deliver TONIGHT!! So I of course starting getting really worked up and frantic. It was just then that the nurse walked in with my wheelchair to move me down. Once I got down there they would not let me eat, drink nothing. Before you get a C-section you cannot eat or drink for 6 hours before. So in preparation for that I was left starving and thirsty. They also have to put an IV in to give fluids, and antibiotics before. Well let me just tell you that was the worst part of my night.
I was so dehydrated from not getting to drink, that it made it so difficult to get my IV in. It took until the 4th time of being poked and prodded to find a good vein. I was almost in tears, and my blood pressure had skyrocketed to 160/90. The nurse asked me to calm down and take deep breaths. You can imagine at this point I wasn't to interested in what she had to say. So after all the excitement calmed and Addi was on the monitor, our family all left and let us get some sleep. I would like to think I was going to get sleep, but what a joke that was. With a blood pressure cuff on, monitors on my belly, and a hip roll under my back it wasn't going so well. I just stared at Addi's hear rate all night needles to say. After finally falling asleep, we were woke up by the doctor at 7:00am. We were expecting after all this preparation to here we are delivering her. Oh don't worry the doctor came in and said: "You know she looks spectacular on the monitor, so we are sending you back upstairs sorry." I wanted to burst into tears at this point. I have now been living at the hospital for 11 DAYS, and let me just say it is something different everyday. I know that they are just trying to find the right moment, but meanwhile it puts us through hell. The best way they have described is that they don't want to take her out sick, and they don't want to wait for something horrible to happen.
So we are walking a fine line of when to take her out. My doctor wants to take her while she is still healthy, but it needs to be enough change to take her. I know this must all sound confusing, now imagine hearing this day in day out while living at the hospital. I feel so shut off from the world right now, and I feel so trapped living in my little hospital room. Well the only positive at this point is that she has made it to almost 32 WEEKS :) None of the doctors thought she would even make 31, let alone 32. We also have another big appointment tomorrow(her growth scan). That will really help make the doctors minds up we think. She hasn't been growing, so we don't think she has done much since her last appt. She was 2lbs 3oz 12 days ago, so we will see what she is tomorrow. Thanks all for listening to my venting, I just start going stir crazy with all of these emotions. I just wish I could enjoy being pregnant with Addi and feeling her little movements. It never happens though, because it's always how strong were her kicks, how often is she moving etc... I can't just enjoy a simple kick from my baby girl. It really is hard sometimes when you just wish to not be pregnant anymore. I know that isn't how it should be, so that is why I get so down on it sometimes. Thank you all again for listening, and until tomorrow...... To be continued.......
Well of course the highlights of my day right now are seeing my two boys (Chris and Dev). I don't know what I would do without them. My baby boy is such a happy baby all the time. He has even been fighting a cold, and still HAPPY! I don't know why I was blessed with such a good kid, but I think Addison is going to give us a run for our money! The girl has more than fight in there, she has lots of spunk too. Chris, my mom, and his mom all came to visit last night. It was really nice, and the best was that they brought me La Frontera mmmmmm. Hospital food has been alright, but it's nice to get some outside food right now. I just thought I would put some cute pictures of me and my baby boy on here. I was feeding him chocolate ice cream last night, and he would growl when I would stop (so cute). We had to get it on video, so I had chris film me feeding him. The video wasn't allowing me to put it on right now, but enjoy all this pics below instead :)..........
So it has been decided that I have to remain in the hospital until Addison arrives. Chris and I had some very hard decisions to make last night. Our doctor had come by to give us some options. The main problem we were having, was deciding whether to go home or not. See it's a problem when the doctors are saying yo can go home, but the best place would probably be here. So then it becomes my decision, which I hate because I really want to be home. Well there was an option given to us that would help decide. Basically the doctors were suggesting we do a "CST" test on little Addi. This test is what they like to call the contraction stress test. It is when they put some pitocin in you to induce labor and allow for contractions to come on. Once you start having these contractions they want to see how much it stresses the baby, and if the heart rate drops during. Also the other main reason is to see how crappy my placenta really is for her. Now for a brief moment I thought about doing it, mainly because I knew it would make my decision easier about going home or not. Then I came back down to earth and realized how selfish that would be of me. Why would I want to stress my 2lb baby girl, that mind you may not come out of the stress when the test is over. Well I decided I didn't want to stress her, obviously she has enough of that already. So now I just have to take a reality check and realize that I am going to be here until she is born. It could be 2 days right now, or it could be a weeks worth. It's all up to Addi how long she wants to hang in there for us. To be honest I am glad I stayed now. It was just this morning that she decided to have drops in her heart rate. I guess everything happens for a reason right, because if I would have gone home they wouldn't have caught that. At this point Chris and I are just trying to stay positive with the whole situation, and keep our other baby content at home. We are just looking at the long term, and can't wait to have our little girl home finally. She is a fighter just like her brother was. We may make our babies small, but we make them strong. So until Addi's next latest update wish us luck!! We are just still praying for our baby girl to get here safe and as healthy as possible! To be continued.......
That is right you read it correctly, I am in the hospital on bed rest for now. It all started wednesday at one of are weekly appointments. They had ran another growth scan on little Addison, and she only grew 2oz in 2 weeks. She also failed one of her major tests, so that was it they sent me to labor and delivery. I think the intention was to get me prepped for delivery. They wanted to run a drug through IV called magnesium sulfate. It is to help with her brain development, and to help prevent cerebral palsy. They usually let that run 24hours before delivery. Well let me just tell you all that drug was hell, it made me sicker than a dog. Meanwhile they were running Addi's heart rate on a monitor, she was looking really good. So instead of immediate delivery they decided to keep me until Monday for consistent monitoring. They are going to re-run the test on her Monday morning. If she fails again then I stay, if she passes I can go home on super strict bed rest. This has just been a roller coaster ride, I can't even begin to describe how I feel. I am sitting in my hospital room right now typing and going nuts. I Miss my baby boy so bad. This is the first time I have had to leave him for so long, I mean it will be 5 days Monday. I have never left him overnight before either, so that has been a challenge for me. I just hope and pray I can go home Monday to continue strict bed rest. I don't know when this will all be over, but I am hoping soon. I am just emotionally drained, and exhausted with the whole situation. Chris and I have been doing this for 7 weeks now constantly. It never leaves my mind, and I am just waiting to hear the go ahead to deliver. Until I have more news I will be in the hospital for now, to be continued..............
