"My Heart Is Broken"

I just wanted to take a moment and write while I was full of emotions. We had Addison's growth scan today. The good news is that she is hanging in there, and they think they may get her to 34 weeks. The bad news is that I have to remain in the hospital until then (2 more weeks). I titled this post what I did because it is so true. My heart truly is broken right now. I wanted to take a minute to talk about Devin, and how precious HE is to me. I until now had never been away from him more than a couple of hours. I have now been away from him for 2 weeks straight. I understand I get to see him, but maybe for an hour at a time. During that time everyone is holding him and taking care of him. I don't ever really feel like I am being his mom right now. For all of you that are moms with me I know you can understand what I am saying. It is the most awful feeling to let everyone cuddle, feed, bathe, and love on your child. It's like they are playing your role while you watch. It reminds me so much of when Devin was in the NICU. I already have to deal with it again when Addi gets here, but I am getting a double wammmy right now with Devin too. My heart just hurts so bad everytime they pack him up, and say okay tell mommy bye. My eyes well up and I try so hard not to cry. I feel like somebody has taken part of me away, and I have no way to fix it right now. I can't even just step out of my room to walk down the hall. I just love my baby boy so much, and I miss him so much. Not to mention having no relationship with my husband what so ever right now. He does everything for me and is the best ever. Between my two boys my heart just aches right now with sadness. Worse part of all with the whole thing, is that I am still going to have a NICU baby on top of all of this. How much more can I handle...... I really am starting to feel like I am going into some deep depression here. Everyone is so kind too, they always ask "What can we do to cheer you up?" I wish I knew how to answer them. All I want right now is to be home, and nobody can give me that. What I miss most about being home is laying down with Chris at night, and waking up to my baby on the intercom giggling and cooing. I haven't heard that sound in so long, I miss his smile when I walk in to pick him up. I could go on and on about all the things I miss. All I know is that right now my poor heart is broken. Until next time...........